Just cropdusted the office
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize