Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
