foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
