Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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