but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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