He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
