Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
