Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
