found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
