exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
