Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
