Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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