I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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