I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Houston, we have a squirter
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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