Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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