I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
