She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
