Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
