I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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