sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
