I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
