In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
