She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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