Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
