I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
