My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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