My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
