she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
