i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
