I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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