Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
