Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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