I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
