When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
