Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
