Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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