I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
