Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
