wanna go halves on a baby?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
