I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
