According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
