So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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