That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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