I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize