i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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