So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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