It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
