My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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