Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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