Pappa wants mamma naked
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
