why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
