My first STD was from a foam party
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
