So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
