You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
