I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
