I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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