The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
