it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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