I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
