dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
