your parents love me but you hate me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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