Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
