you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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