Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
