i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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