I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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