What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
FUCK WHALES
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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