i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
