It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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