I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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