my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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